TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH ADAM STORKE
10. Every time Julia Roberts is giving an interview, you mutter "why don't they ever ask her what it was like to work with Adam Storke?"
9. Every five minutes, for no apparent reason, you yell "Shenectady!!!" at the top of your lungs.
8. You're obsessed with the idea of a fudge-based scent for Bath and Body Works (this one may take some explaining. Just forget you saw it unless you're Ashkta. Otherwise, isn't that funny??)
7. Molotov cocktails every Saturday night at the local ABC affiliate offices.
6. You walk into Blockbuster Music and immediately the sales clerk says, "No, ma'am, I'm afraid we're still waiting on that Larry Underwood album."
5. Morning schedule: Wake up, watch 'Prey' reruns for four hours, take nap.
4. The effigy and rack you keep in the back of your room.
3. Your last three boyfriends have passed out from all the blood sampling you do.
2. May 6, 1998-Mark Hill mentions that he thinks "The Stand" sucked. May 7, 1998-Mark Hill's Mustang explodes.
1. Family members offer you a seat at dinner and you say "No, thanks, I'm fine crouching."
TOP TEN WAYS ATTWOOD IS LOOKING FOR NEW SPECIES CLONES
10. Gets on white courtesy phone at airports; pages the clones.
9. Before putting on his jacket in the morning, takes a good long look in his pocket to make sure they're not in there.
8. Enlisting the help of lingerie models who are also top-notch detectives.
7. Holding press conferences; no clone can resist a good press conference.
6. Offering reward of a free monkey.
5. Braced up box in his backyard with a carrot inside it.
4. Bumper sticker on car: "Honk if You're a New Species Clone"
3. Once the homo dominants find out that super-surfer Ed is on the case, they'll probably turn THEMSELVES in!
2. All the furry little woodland creatures and birds have promised to help their good pal Attwood!
1. Hankering down with a Magic 8-ball and a phone book.
TOP TEN THINGS ED IS RESPONSIBLE FOR
10. Has kids working for gum money in his Honduran sweatshop.
9. Remember Data's cat, Spot? Well Ed killed Spot!
8. Once owned a corn farm with his partner, a Fox network executive.
7. During World War II, made pro-German propaganda broadcasts as "Axis Ed"
6. His hair is responsible for 80 to 90 percent of all forest fires.
5. Was rooting for Cancer Man to stay dead, also set the car bomb for the Well-Manicured Man.
4. Knows more about Attwood than he tells Sloan. A lot more.
3. He's the one who coined the phrase "surfing the net".
2. Never apologized for bombing Cambodia.
1. Introduced Chris Carter to the concept of two-parter episodes.
TOP TEN WAYS THEY COULD IMPROVE THE RATINGS ON PREY
10. Musical numbers
9. Pepper Ray's dialogue with "Kiss my black ass."
8. Tom Daniels to remain permanently shirtless.
7. Set the show in New York, just to make Tom's accent halfway believable.
6. Have Attwood add a couple more 'T's to his name
5. Add wacky next-door neighbor played by Seinfeld's Kramer.
4. Finally tell us just who in hell the blonde chick really was.
3. Impose a thirty-second limit on all of Attwood's scenes.
2. "Rachel Cut" for Ed
1. More on-air patter about how horny everyone is.