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Rewriting the Final Episode

So was it just me or was a lot lacking from the last episode of Prey? I know a ton of fan fiction has addressed the cliffhanger ending, but my qualms are more far-reaching than any self-respecting beta-reader would even entertain. I wish to share them with you all....turn away now if you fear for your safety....
Attwood finds that Ed is missing. He's worried because he found ticket stubs for violent movies in Ed's jacket pocket (I would have said pants pocket here, but that would raise questions I don't even WANNA think about.) Turns out, Ed is a member of the new species, too, he's just been lying dormant in hopes of getting a chance at Sloan. Now that...well....anyway. Tom and Sloan, roused from bed (hey), are disturbed when they find a letter from Ed and Lewis, threatening to blow up the lab. Attwood is worried: "Ed is so easily influenced by moving pictures!" Before leaving the apartment for some more strawberries (hey), Tom hears an explosion. Ed blew up Ray's house as a preview of what he plans for the lab. Sloan and Tom get another call. It's Ed, talking sinister. "You know, Tom, you and I are a lot alike..." He's got Attwood tied up. Attwood pleads for help. Tom and Sloan realize their lives hang in the balance. Sloan enlists the aid of the new kid and the Celine-Dion Victoria's Secret model chick. They don't help much. Tom admits the darkest secret of the new species.....that they are completely won over by black turtlenecks. They plan to use one to lure Ed and Lewis away from the dynamite. Attwood walks out to buy the turtleneck (he's not tied up very well.) As Lewis steps out to inspect Attwood's absence, he is mobbed by overzealous female fans. Kidnapped. Bye bye. Good riddance. The blonde chick does something, obviously alive again. The plan doesn't work, and Attwood and Ed are killed and the lab destroyed. Tom and Sloan kiss passionately. Tom has managed to remain shirtless the entire episode. The End. Oh, yeah, and Alaska blows up too. Who needed it anyway?

Here's Peyton's version....

Tom asks Attwood for Sloan's hand in marriage. Though taken by surprise, Attwood lets them take a Cosmopolitan marriage test then says yes. Tom throws himself a bachelor party. The stuffy Celine Dion is the sexy entertainment, lustily peeling off layer after layer of endless drab business suit. It's a beautiful wedding ceremony. Ray sings 'There is Love' a la Aaron Neville. The two dead blonde chicks attend. Lewis is the best man. it all eventually turns into wrestling on both sides. Then Ed's hair mutates and eats him. That's about it.

And Lauren, who tends to get pissed when Tom isn't shirtless, submitted this:

Tom's sitting in Sloan's apartment, watching TV. He's shirtless. Anytime's the right time for him to be shirtless!
Sloan begins to think that maybe Tom should wear a shirt more often, but Harrison Ford has a cameo as The Savvy Shirtless Star of Sabrina, and shows her the error of her thinking.
A lighthearted examination of Ed's Orbiting Satellite of Hair
Tom shirtless
There is a big musical number by the show's women celebrating Tom's pants, and his impeccable fashion sense. Attwood can't get into it, so Sloan administers shock therapy. Then there's fudge for everybody!!

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